last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He better not be in your backpack
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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