I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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