Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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