life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
