all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
