Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm having to shit out rocks
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
