Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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