I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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