I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
