I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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