i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
