And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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