if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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