how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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