woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
