You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
