before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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