dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
