You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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