I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
