You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I understand Curling. That high.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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