Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
