overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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