WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
