I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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