my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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