pop tarts are not kleenex
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
