I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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