I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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