The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
