it was like his penis was on wheels.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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