i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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