look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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