I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
