i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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