Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
