She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
