did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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