Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
