I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
