someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
