He disabled his match.com account in front of me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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