I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
