He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
