I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
