I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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