i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
