I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You're a waste of cheezeits
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
