I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
