Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
