Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
