i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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