Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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