She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So much Jack, so little girl.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
