I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
