I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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