Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You can't just leave with hair like that
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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