Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
